I am feeling a bit down because I have the feeling that my husband is keeping secrets from me. He is getting more distant from me and he always seems too tired to talk. I realise that his work is quite demanding, but we have been married for ten years and have lived the expatriate life ever since we got married, so long work hours and his frequent travel trips are just normal to me and I have never felt this way before. I am not sure if my mind is playing tricks on me, but all I can picture are worst-case scenarios and my head just seems to be going around in circles. I have tried to talk to my husband about how I am feeling, but he says that nothing is wrong and that he is not keeping anything from me. I am not convinced. What can I do?

LK


New ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear LK,

I am sorry that this is causing you such uneasiness. I do not think it is strange that your mind is going around in circles, but I do think that it is important to recognize that there is a potential problem and to reach out for help. I would like to ask you to try to recall the moment when you first noticed him being more distant or tired. Try to recall the situation you were in, and see if you can find any similarities with other occasions that caused you to have this feeling. Take a couple of deep long breaths, focus on your breathing. Close your eyes and pose yourself the question whether he is hiding something or not. Follow your honest intuition, and see what your gut instinct answers. Often your hunch proves right – especially if you have been married for ten years. But then again, there is a chance that it is not.

Your situation brings up several potential areas to assess. The first, is that sometimes the passage of time and changes in your life can bring with them a slow but steady sort of growing apart in a relationship. That does not necessarily mean that this is the case in your situation, But surprisingly, when really forced to be honest, many couples will take off their rose-coloured glasses and admit that they are not as close to each other after ten years of union.

The second is that maybe he really is just working late and coming home too tired to connect with you in the same way that you have expected in the past. Expat assignments can genuinely involve long work hours and numerous after-work functions. Did he change roles or duties around about the time that you noticed him getting more distant? Or, do you think it is possible that he is starting to get a little worn down from ten years abroad and maybe needing to take a break from the expat whirlwind for a while?

The third area to consider is you: how has being an expat wife for the past ten years affected your own sense of well-being and expectations of your husband? Are your days filled with activities that you find satisfying, or are you feeling frustrated at various things in your life? Are your nights filled with activities you enjoy, or do you spend your time just waiting for your husband to come home – giving your head ample opportunity to run around in circles? Maybe it is a good time to reevaluate your own schedule and personal interests. It is never too late to take up a new study, exercise routine, join a new interest group and/or assess your own work situation and true desires.

The fourth area is that maybe he is keeping secrets from you. They may be the kinds of secrets that scare you the most. In this case, you then need to ask the how, why, when, what if etc, then if you feel this is the case, work out a strategy to approach him again about this possibility, when he is not exhausted and when he has more time to listen to you closely. Alternatively, he may be keeping secrets, but they may not be what you think. Maybe something happened at work that made him feel bad – for example, a missed promotion, an unsupportive team environment, a serious mistake on his part – anything that may make him retreat within himself and make him not feel like sharing with you his work days, like he did in the past. Or maybe he knows that he will soon be retrenched, or sent elsewhere, or something else that he is not ready to talk to you about, until he is more sure of his company’s intentions. Or maybe it is a health issue, a financial issue, or some other kind of issue that is bothering him?

In all of these areas, communication is the key, as it is in any successful relationship. Try to keep communication open and not strained. There are many factors that can hinder your ability to communicate effectively with your partner. When you do manage to talk, listen to what he is trying to say. Do not interrupt or try to argue with what he is saying but just listen. When your husband has had his say, summarize what he has told you. This shows that you were paying attention and understand his point and it will help ease tension. If you are having trouble talking to your partner or do not seem to be able to get your point across clearly then try writing it down. By doing this it gives you time to think about what you want to say and express it in a way your husband will understand and hopefully receive in a more non-confrontational environment. Creating good communication in a relationship can be a long, ongoing process but it is a very important one.

For a healthy, happy relationship, it is critical to spend quality time together. So if your husband is too tired to communicate properly after work, maybe you can meet him for lunch on a regular basis, rather than waiting until he comes home exhausted. And maybe, just maybe, he does need to better manage his work day, so that he can consider quality time with you as an important part of his daily life. It is never too late to re-ignite the flame and put a bit of excitement back in your relationship. Think about something you would love to do together. Plan for it. Then just do it. Then plan the next exciting event. And so on. Also think about including more physical intimacy in everyday life. Give your partner a hug or cuddle up on the sofa. Offer him a massage or take a bath together.

Relationships, like all good things, require effort. Be patient and allow for mistakes – and remember that relationships can heal, if you both want it to and work on it together.

Best wishes,

New ExpatWomen Girlfriend
August 2008 

Our New ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from The Netherlands. She has lived as an Expat Woman in India, Canada, Indonesia, Chile and Thailand – where she is currently a ‘trailing spouse’ to a husband of a different nationality to hers. She is a mother of two children, born in Asia, that have dual nationalities. She has a Bachelor of Arts degree in European Communications (Marketing) and she has recently graduated from her Master of Science degree in Counselling Psychology. She works in a private mental health clinic, plus counsels expatriate women.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.